Teaching Loyalty - Part 2

Writing on loyalty and the teaching of loyalty, Fenner continues, 

"Don't discuss family problems with others. Don't criticize your husband, wife, or children to outsiders. Always present them in the very best light possible. Teach your children similar behavior. Explain to them that you are happy to talk things over freely with them at home, but if they repeat what they hear outside, they prove they are unworthy of your trust and it will be withdrawn. Don't repeat your children's confidences to others, no matter how amusing or touching they may be. To do so proves that you are untrustworthy.

 "If an outsider comes to you with a complaint about your child, hear his story fully and weigh it calmly. Do nothing about the matter until you have given your child a chance to tell his side of the story. Do not scold or punish him until you are sure that he was in the wrong. Uphold him and defend him whenever you can, so that he will learn that he can always depend upon getting fair treatment at home. 

"Teach your children to be loyal to each other: not to carry tales, to defend one another against outsiders, to rejoice wholeheartedly in the honors brothers or sisters may attain, to sympathize with troubles. Encourage the boys to cherish and protect their sisters and the girls to look up to their brothers as their champions. Teach the older children to help the younger and the little ones to obey and respect the older ones." 

 Fenner, American Catholic Etiquette (1965), The Newman Press, p. 256.

Teaching Loyalty - Part 1

According to Kay Toy Fenner, writing in 1965, loyalty is "the keystone of the home. A wife should constantly hold up her husband before her children's eyes as the pattern of all that is good. She should remind them of all he sacrifices for them, all he does to give them protection and pleasure. Her accolade for any childish triumph should be 'Wait until we tell Daddy! How pleased he will be!' A husband's success in business, sports, even in gardening and family repair jobs, should be a matter for admiration and rejoicing. Help your children to understand that everything their father does, he does for them. His only reward is their affection and appreciation. "Husbands, remember that your wife's sole reward for her hard-working days is the comfort and well-being of her family, and the words of praise that she so rarely hears. Let your unfailing courtesy and consideration for her set a constant example to your children. A wife who knows she is admired and treasured by spouse and children can bear hardship, toil, sorrow and privation. . . . Let your family present a united front to the world. Don't repeat to outsiders anything your husband tells you about his business affairs. And remember, 'outsiders' includes your mother, sister, and very best friend! If you want your husband to talk freely about his business pursuits, let him discover that what he says to you will be kept an inviolable confidence. Discuss your sex life only with a doctor or priest. To mention it to anyone else is an unpardonable betrayal of your life partner." Fenner, American Catholic Etiquette (1965), The Newman Press, pp. 255-256.

Manners for Penitents

As she did about manners at Mass, Fenner has some counsel about manners for penitents:

"A penitent should take time properly to examine his conscience and to determine what he has to say to his confessor before entering the confessional. This is for his own soul's good, as it enables him to make a worthy confession. It is also good manners, as it prevents him from staying too long in the confessional, taking up the priest's time and that of waiting penitents.

"A penitent should, while awaiting his turn to go to confession, stand far enough from the confessional so as to be unable to hear anything that may be said in it.

"A penitent should never push his way ahead of others waiting to be heard. This is not only inexcusably bad manners, it is also, considering the place and the purpose, uncharitable and unchristian. But if someone should push his way into the waiting line ahead of you, do not glare and show your displeasure. 'Offer up' this little trial to our Lord as a sacrifice, and be both a good Catholic and a gentleman.

"A penitent should always behave quietly and reverently, remembering Who is present on the altar. School-children going to confession sometimes forget this and giggle and whisper among themselves or tramp about noisily. Parents should caution their children about this.

"In the confessional, the penitent should speak in the lowest audible tone. Should one inadvertently overhear any part of what is said to or by another in Confession, one must never repeat it, and should endeavor to forget it immediately.

"Out of consideration for others, one should avoid choosing the time of one of the great feasts, such as Easter or Christmas, for making a general confession. Since a general confession takes so much longer than an ordinary confession, it imposes a hardship on the busy priest and the many other waiting penitents. This does not mean that a general confession is forbidden at this time, and one may certainly be made on such an occasion if one feels that one's spiritual health requires it. It merely means that it is a courteous act to defer it to a less crowded occasion if one may safely do so."

As for proper dress, Fenner adds, "The proper costume for going to confession is the same as on all other occasions when one is entering the church. When possible, one should be dressed both neatly and formally. . . . Women should buy and keep in their purse the small prayer veils now available, for unplanned visits to the church."

As for the spiritual approach to confession, the thoughts of St. Francis de Sales can be found in the post The Lioness and Her Lord.

Source:
Fenner, Kay Toy; American Catholic Etiquette (Newman Press, Maryland, 1965), pp. 18-19.

Image:
Longhi's "The Confession" (ca. 1750). Oil on canvas. From Web Gallery of Art via Wikimedia Commons. In the public domain.

Manners at Mass

In her 1965 book, American Catholic Etiquette, Kay Toy Fenner makes some very good points about manners at Mass, all of which relate to consideration for others:

"Proper behavior at Mass and other church services begins outside the church door. If the church has a parking lot, a driver should take care to park properly, to obey all church rules on the subject, and to strive not to inconvenience any other parkers or take up more than his due share of the space. If the church has no parking lot, one should not inconvenience the church's neighbors by parking in front of a driveway or a hydrant. One should never park double or disobey any of the laws of the road.

"Other rules to observe are:

"Come to Mass on time.. . . .

"Always be seated whenever there is space to permit it. Never stand in the back of the church unless you are sure that all seats are filled. . . .

"Move into the pew as far as space permits; leave the entrance to the pew vacant so that others seeking a seat may easily find one. (The exception to this rule is a wedding; those who have the foresight to come early may step into the aisle to let others enter the pew, thus retaining their seat on the aisle, where they can better observe the ceremonies.)

"Those intending to receive Holy Communion should remember to observe the ordinary social amenities as they do so; they should walk up the aisle at a pace that is fast enough to avoid holding others back and slow enough to keep from brushing past others. One should wait until one's turn arrives to approach the rail. If the church has adopted a special method of approaching the Communion rail -- up the main aisle, down the side, etc. all communicants should observe these rules exactly as requested.

"Prepare your contribution before you come to Mass. If your church, like so many others, uses the envelope system for collecting, use the envelope proper to the day; mark on the face of it such information as your church has requested. If you have pledged yourself to contribute a set amount each week, keep your word unless some extraordinary change in your financial situation makes it impossible. . . .

"Mass is not over until the priest has left the altar; the congregation remains until he has done so. When there is an invalid or a baby at home, a man and wife may attend separate Masses. In such a case, one of them may need to leave the church a minute or so before services are ended so that the one waiting at home may be in time for the next Mass. When one has this excuse or some similar valid reason, it is allowable to leave the church before the final prayers have been said. But it is not allowable to leave merely because it is a warm day or in order to escape the crowd."

I would add the following:

Leave your pet at home or get a sitter.  Not only is it irreverent to bring your pet to Mass but it is uncharitable since many individuals are allergic to pet dander.

Turn off your phone.

Leave your water bottle, coffee cup, cookies, pillow, and blanket at home or in your car.  You are assisting at the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, not attending a sports event.  Christ spent several hours in agony on the Cross.  Surely you can manage to sit on a wooden pew for an hour and a half. You are not a toddler who must drag his bottle and security blanket with him everywhere.

Practice custody of the tongue: Do not talk before, during, or after Mass except in the vestibule or outside the church.

Do not use gestures or facial expressions to communicate with your family members or friends. Keep your focus on the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass.

Practice custody of the eyes: Do not look around at others.

Do not take off your shoes or put your feet on the kneeler.

Do not permit your children to lie down on the pew or wiggle and writhe around, much less run about the church or play with toys.

Absent an emergency, once you are seated, do not leave the pew except to go to Communion.

Go to and return from Communion at the same time as others in your pew. For example, do not come back late by making an excursion to the statute of your favorite saint and then climb over others to return to your seat. Similarly, do not leave the pew late because you feel you must read a large number of prayers before Communion or that you must practice humility by being the last to receive Holy Communion.

If you have an emergency that requires leaving your pew during Mass, quietly let the person next to you know that you need to leave. Give those between you and the exit of the pew a chance to stand or step outside the pew.

When putting down a kneeler, make sure you do not drop it down on someone's foot. Use your hand, not your foot, to bring the kneeler down.

Source:
Fenner, Kay Toy; American Catholic Etiquette (Newman Press; Westminster, Maryland; 1965), pp. 230-232.

Image:
Catedral Nuestra Senora de la Almudena; Madrid, Spain. From Wikimedia Commons. Some rights reserved.

The Attire of Men at the Traditional Latin Mass

UPDATE - 5-14-2014:

The dress code for men at one traditional Catholic chapel states that men and boys "should wear dress pants & shoes, coat (or jacket or sweater) & tie.  It goes on to say that "Jeans, t-shirts, sneakers, earrings, are not proper attire for Sunday Mass, and therefore, are NOT acceptable".

For an entertaining and informative essay on the question of Catholic male attire, visit Those Catholic Men.

ORIGINAL POST:

Here is what Kay Toy Fenner had to say in 1961 about the proper attire for men in attendance at Mass, novenas, and other church devotions:

“Laymen never cover their heads in a Catholic church.

“The ideal attire is a dark suit, white shirt, and sober tie. Slacks and a sports jacket are allowable. Some sort of suit coat or jacket is always worn. It is poor taste to come to Mass in a sports shirt or jersey without a coat, regardless of how warm the weather may be.

“Men do not wear shorts to mass.

“Exceptions for men: A man who goes to church while en route to work or school [she is apparently speaking of a weekday Mass here] may wear school or work clothes. A laborer returning from work in soiled clothing who wishes to attend an evening Mass may do so, even though he would otherwise wish to appear neat and clean.

“For boy children: Boys of any age uncover their heads in church. Boys over the age of twelve should not wear shorts to church.”

What is important for men (and women) to keep in mind is that one’s external appearance should reflect reverence toward God, modesty, and respect for the clergy as well as respect for the other faithful present at the Mass.

There is very little on the internet about proper attire for Catholic men at Mass. One secular site that encourages men to dress well in general makes the point that men’s suits derive from military clothing and are a sign of authority. While it is easy to think that the tendency of men today to dress in very casual clothing -- even in many cases at a traditional Latin Mass -- is simply a capitulation to the obsession with comfort and egalitarianism in the predominant culture, one cannot help but wonder if at least some men are reluctant to attire themselves in clothing symbolic of male authority because they fear exercising that authority . . . and especially the level of responsibility that goes with that authority.

In any event, it is interesting to consider that dressing in one’s “Sunday best” is egalitarian in the best sense. That is, in former times a manual laborer in his Sunday suit was dressed essentially the same for Mass as a corporate head or public official, even a President. That was in keeping with the workman's equality of dignity with these men as a recipient of sanctifying grace. And he looked very handsome too. . .

Source:
Fenner, Kay Toy; American Catholic Etiquette (Newman Press, Maryland, 1961), pp. 229-230.

Image:
Official portrait of President John Fitzgerald Kennedy, from Wikimedia Commons. In the public domain.

The Attire of Women at the Traditional Latin Mass

Update - 5-7-2014:
Another version of a Latin Mass dress code from a traditional Catholic chapel states, "Out of respect for Our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament and the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, always remember to wear your 'Sunday Best' when assisting at a Sunday Mass."  The same chapel has a dress code much like the one quoted below.  I really like the statement about "Sunday Best" because it emphasizes that not just modesty but reverence is also related to how to dress for Mass.

Update - 7-14-2013:
Since so many people visit this post, and since the post is in part a quote from a mid-20th century etiquette book and in part a link to a blog site that talks a lot about modest clothing but doesn't actually provide any rules, I thought I'd write a short update.

The reality is that most diocesan Traditional Latin Masses don't actually have a written dress code so first timers may not know what to expect.  Some traditionalist chapels where only the Tridentine Mass is celebrated do have written dress codes that are on the chapel's website (if any) and posted at the entrance.  But the actual dress of the regulars at a diocesan traditional Mass is basically identical to that of those adhering to the dress codes at the chapels.

Here is a sample taken from the website of one such chapel:

"Ladies and Girls:
Modest dress or skirt
Head covering
No tight-fitting, low-cut, short, slit, sleeveless or revealing clothes
No pants or trousers"

Some people think this means dressing like someone out of Little House on the Prairie and some people joke about them being "Amish Catholics".  I think that look is just fine for someone who likes it but it isn't necessary.  In fact, not only is it possible to dress elegantly within the confines of the above-quoted dress code, but it is actually easier to do so.

There are many options for modest dress that are not the least bit frumpy. For instance, the classic "little black dress" can be quite elegant.  If it is of opaque fabric appropriate for day wear, well past the knee in length (mid-calf is better), not too tight fitting or cut too deeply at the neckline, and has at least elbow length sleeves (3/4 or longer is better), it is modest dress. Add a hat, mantilla, or chapel cap and you're fine.

As for what to do in hot weather, see my post Dressing for Mass in Hot Weather.

Original post:
In her pre-Vatican II book on Catholic etiquette, Kay Toy Fenner had this to say about the appropriate attire for women at Mass:

“Women must always dress modestly for any church service. There is no permissible exception to this rule. The preferred costume is a suit, coat, or dress with long sleeves and a modest neckline, hat, gloves, stockings, and street shoes. Regardless of how warm the weather may be, a low-cut dress or one without sleeves should not be worn. Any dress must have, at the very least, a cap sleeve or a collar that covers the shoulders.

“Shorts may never be worn; neither should slacks, except under the exception noted below.

“A head covering, preferably a hat, is obligatory, but a scarf or veil is permissible.

“Exceptions for women: a woman planning to attend services while on the way to or from work or school may wear the costume proper for the activity in which she is about to engage. This means that a woman whose work requires her to wear slacks may wear them to Mass; a nurse may wear her uniform; a schoolgirl may wear headscarf, socks, and school uniform. But this permission does not extend to sports clothes such as a gymnasium suit, tennis dress, bathing suit; and it is allowable only when the choice is between attending services in working clothes or failing to attend.”

Today, women who go to the traditional Latin Mass are reclaiming long skirts, long sleeves, modest necklines, and hats. Since such attire is difficult to purchase ready-made, they are also reclaiming their sewing needles. Read one woman’s view of this phenomenon here.

Source:
Fenner, Kay Toy; American Catholic Etiquette (Newman Press, Maryland, 1961), p. 229. Italicized emphasis in the original.

Image:
Fantin-Latour’s “Charlotte Dubourg”, from Wikimedia Commons. In the public domain.

Children at Mass: A Shining Example

What you are about to read is not a dream or a product of the imagination. It actually occurred on a recent Sunday at a small chapel where the traditional Latin Mass is offered:

A family of five children with their mother and father filled a pew towards the back of the church. The oldest child was a girl of eight or nine years. The other four were boys, ranging in age from perhaps seven to four years. The girl was veiled and nicely attired in a dress. The four boys all wore dark suits and pressed white shirts. Their faces were radiant and their hair was sparkling clean. They seemed eager for what they were about to witness and one of the boys sought and received permission from his mother to hold the missal, which he did with dignity.

Before and after the service there was only a minimal amount of communication and movement as the children settled in, and later as they prepared to leave. During the Mass itself, and especially during the Consecration, the children were attentive and completely silent. They did not talk or even whisper and they did not fidget. The girl, who might have been the only child who had made First Communion, was reverent when she proceeded to the altar rail with the palms of her hands pressed together in prayer.

How is it that these children behaved so well? It’s hard to say. God may have granted the family special graces because of the parents’ obedience to the Church’s teaching on contraception. Perhaps all the family members are naturally endowed with tranquil temperaments.

In any case, the parents very likely took the time to carefully instruct the children. Moreover, the parents set a good example as they too were nicely dressed and groomed, sat quietly, and attended to the Mass.

Given the number of small children, one could surmise the family might also include a toddler and infant who had been left home with a grandmother or aunt who would attend another Mass. If so, whether they were aware of it or not, the parents followed the advice offered by Kay Toy Fenner in her 1961 book American Catholic Etiquette:

“Children should not come to church dressed sloppily in denims, jerseys, etc., unless they own no other clothing. Children should learn young to bathe and dress carefully for church and to present as neat and attractive an appearance as possible; this training will then carry over into adult life. . . .

"Children under four years of age are apt to become restless at Mass. It is not reasonable to expect such young children to behave properly throughout the service, therefore it is best, whenever possible, not to bring them. But of course they may be brought if there is no one to care for them at home. Every effort should be made to keep them from disturbing others. If they become irritable and noisy, they should be taken out.

"Children over four years can be taught to behave properly.”

Although Fenner does not mention it, if four is the age when the child is to begin accompanying the family to Mass, this makes the fourth birthday a rite of passage the child can look forward to and be prepared for -- the day when he is grown up enough take his place in the family pew. And, he will want to live up to that privilege once he gets there . . . as these five children did.

Source:
Fenner, Kay Toy; American Catholic Etiquette (Newman Press, Maryland, 1961), pp. 230-231.

Image:
Mary Cassatt's "Young Girl Seated in Yellow Armchair", from Wikimedia Commons. In the public domain.

God, Goodness, and Good Manners

It is said that St. Francis de Sales (pictured just above) counseled that a good Catholic should have excellent manners.   I think it can be said that manners relate both to the virtue of charity and the virtue of justice; they involve both consideration of others (charity) and treating others with the respect they are due (justice).

An interesting question is whether good manners require a Christian foundation.

When the great English writer Evelyn Waugh converted to Catholicism in 1930, there was an uproar in the British press. After a few weeks, the Daily Express published an article by Waugh entitled, "Converted to Rome: Why It Has Happened to Me." There, Waugh explained his conversion and his belief that the world was facing a choice between Christianity and chaos. Waugh stated, "It is no longer possible ... to accept the benefits of civilization and at the same time deny the supernatural basis upon which it rests."

In a similar vein, the Tradition in Action website recently posted an interesting article entitled “Refinement and Sanctity” by Professor Plinio Correa de Oliveira, arguing that “good treatment of others and elevated manners are a result of the love of God. When this is absent, good treatment and manners only sporadically appear and do not last long.”

There is such a thing as “natural virtue”, which traditional Catholic theologian, Fr. John Hardon defines in his Modern Catholic Dictionary as:

“A good moral habit whose principles, object, and purpose are natural to the human person. This means any virtue whose existence is knowable by the light of natural reason and whose practice is possible (at least for a time) without the help of supernatural grace.”

The phrase, “at least for a time”, suggests that Fr. Hardon would agree that natural virtue will eventually fail without God's grace.

Thus, while atheists may urge that one should “be good for goodness sake”, it may well be that goodness cut off from God and his Holy Church will eventually wither and die, both in an individual and in a culture.

Image:
St. Francis de Sales, from the Tradition in Action article.

Chevilliard's "The Priest's Birthday"

St. Francis de Sales and His Bearing

Addressing the topic of a man's bearing, Dr. Marian Horvat writes, "The bearing comprises the whole of the various postures that the body assumes when we walk, sit, or stand, alone or in company. . . All the qualities of bearing are summarized in the dignity of the posture. We should guard and conserve this dignity because of respect for: First, the presence of God, whose eye is always on us; Second, the company of Our Guardian Angel and other Angels who follow our actions; Third, our own dignity as Catholics saved by the Precious Blood of Our Lord Jesus Christ . . .St. Francis de Sales always maintained a calm and decorous dignity. . . .Msgr. De Camius, Bishop of Belei (France), a very close friend of the Saint, had many occasions to observe him secretly. Always he found him with an irreprehensible posture. Such was the respect of the Saint for the presence of God that he would not make the least imperfection in private."

Horvat, Catholic Manual of Civility (2008), Tradition in Action, Inc., pp. 11, 13.

When a Greeting Card is Not Enough

The following comment regarding illustrated cards from a 1965 Catholic manners book gives one pause:

"Such cards may properly be sent at Christmas, Easter, Valentine's Day and birthdays. For any other occasion, and under any other circumstances, a card is not correct. A personal note is always to be preferred. This distinction applies even to 'Get-well' messages. . . . The use of a 'thank-you' card of any kind is never proper. . . If you have any occasion to say 'thank you,' say it yourself, in your own handwriting, on your own writing paper."

Fenner, American Catholic Etiquette (1965), The Newman Press, pp. 141-142.